The One I Look Up To


I was looking at my father this morning and suddenly realized that he’s so old now. His face is a little bit pale, and the wrinkles on his face has grown a lot than before. The look of his eyes shows that he’s currently thinking about few things. It’s so saddening to see him in that condition. However I’m proud of him for being such a dependable father for his family, through the good and tough condition. And also for being such a hard worker man at his retire age. As a daughter, I am really proud of him.
I used to think that he’s a cold person with egocentric mindset and honestly, until now, sometimes it feels kinda awkward to be around him because he tends to not to smile and rarely jokes around. But when he starts to talk, he always encourages me to continue study until I get my own PhD title. He gave me tons of advice about life. He said to me, as a woman, I may have to stay at home when I’m marrying someone later. But he said, I can not use marriage as a reason to stop me to join graduate school. He added, I have to always broaden my knowledge, pursuing my career, and have a better life than himself.

Tons of thanks maybe won’t enough to repay all the good deeds you’ve given to me. As a daughter, I’m completely realized that I am far from good. Therefore I would want to say to my dad:
For being such a stubborn daughter, I would like to apologize.
For being such a troublesome daughter, I would like to apologize.
For all those angers, protests, and rebel time, I would like to apologize.
For not replying your question in our conversation, I would like to apologize.
For not obeying your advices, I would like to apologize.
Dear Bapak, I know I may not be able to say this to you face to face. That’s why I write this post to say those unsaid words. I don’t even know how to react if someday you’ve read this post and ask me directly. That would be so awkward, I guess. And I hope you wouldn’t mind about that.
Dear Bapak, you may not be a perfect human being. You have so many flaws. But in my honest opinion, you deserved to be the one I look up to. 
Dear Bapak, honestly I almost teared up when I write this post and I hate being so sentimental like this. I know you hate it also. For you the one who has been my influence, I would like to say “You’ve inspired me a lot. Thank you.”

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